Part 1: “The Conversation: When to Start”

As parents who follow Jesus, we want to communicate to the children God has given into our care that our Father in heaven knows them and has a plan for their life.  We recognize that human sexuality is a gift from God and that he has purpose in how we are made: male and female. This article is the beginning of a series to help you think in a God-honoring, biblical way about when and how to discuss matters of sexuality with your children.

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Our Story so far…
A few months ago, my wife and I decided it was time to discuss, with our two eldest children, what the Bible teaches about God’s purposes for human sexuality with more specificity. Since they are only 14-months apart and both in middle school, we decided to talk to them together in order to communicate in a non-verbal way that the topic is not taboo from God’s point of view. Although we had “trickled” biblical truth to them and their siblings the impending onset of puberty determine for us that it was the right moment to “open the valve”. So, for the next 7 days or so, after (Note for the curious: We reserved “sensitive”, gender-specific content for future one-on-one conversations.)

Why now?
I titled this series “The Conversation” rather than “The Talk” because the best way to discuss the gift of sexuality (as all things in the gospel) is in an ongoing dialogue. In asking “Why now?”, I am recognizing that for various reasons (puberty, peer influence, school curriculum, media stories) there is a “time” when there is a need to be more specific in the discussion.

Timing is everything. Many parents struggle with how and when to begin talking about sexuality. A popular falsehood is that knowledge is always beneficial. While it is true that some people make better decisions with more information, it is also true that for some, knowledge inappropriate to one’s maturity level can be harmful. Every kid is different. Knowing when the right time for each individual child to discuss these materials is important.

Here are a few things to keep in mind if you haven’t yet wrestled with this question:

• Context if your child is in an environment where the discussion by teachers or peers is already ongoing you will have to be more proactive.

• Biology The conversation regarding sexuality should begin prior to puberty, not during. Family history is helpful here especially for girls.

• Curiosity curiosity about relationships, etc. should be appropriately addressed. Clarify what they are asking. In asking “Where do babies come from?” does your son just want to know about which hospital he was born at? On the other hand, kids are very perceptive and may pick up on things on TV and the internet that need to be addressed. Don’t feel you have to answer in the moment. Affirm the question and if need be, set up a time in the near future when you are better prepared.
• Prayer Ask your heavenly Father for wisdom. He gives generously.

Overview of our approach
The worldview communicated in the Bible offers a holistic, comprehensive, authoritative view of human sexuality, its purposes and boundaries. In future articles I will go into more detail, but for now, here is the basic outline for the approach Rita and I developed.

1. Bible- based– We want each key thought to be grounded in scripture. That means no single-verse proof-texts. Whenever possible we use passages from both Old and New Testaments in their context. We are going for “Big Picture” ideas that can inform individual scenarios.
2. Parent-centered– These conversations (broken up over 5 to 8 days, 30-45 minutes) come from your faithfulness to your Creator and your love for your children. You are God’s appointed care-takers for your children. There is no “expert” alive who has been given that task above you. In this matter as in all matters of faith and conduct, you are the teachers and the models for your children.
3. Dialogue-driven– This is a great time to hear what your kids are thinking so you can best gauge what they need to know and how they need to know it. It also sets up a pattern for ongoing discussion, openness, and trust.
4. A Positive Vision– this is not a “troubleshooting” approach in which you are addressing topics of “bad” sexuality. Rather you are giving a beautiful vision of what God intends for women and for men as his image-bearers.
5. Progressive Stages– This is an ongoing discussion so the individual talks progress in a logical order. There is repetition and review ( a great way to get your kids input).

In the next installment we will examine what it means to discuss God’s plan for human sexuality from a foundational Biblical worldview.